Unkempt emotions of dangerous hues..

I met my old friends. I remember sitting with a friend In our favorite restaurant and my old days flashing before my eyes like pearls dangling on a string. I remember so much in a quiet moment between both of us on the table, when none of us knew what to talk about while sipping our cappuccino. And my mind just flies off to the times when the hateful blue uniform of my school suited me and we would come back home from school through the lonely jungle path. Making fun of almost anything extraordinary and uneven that would suddenly catch our interest. Life is so slow here –She would say. It’s calm, I tell you; take a try back in the plains and life will feel so fast that you won’t find time to breathe and look at your face in the mirror – I said. For my own part, I told her that as my personal experience people in the cities were more cunning, selfish and materialistic. Having spent 15 years of my beginning years in the seductive air of the hills. I had gathered within me higher, non-city like values. I had indulged and bathed in the spontaneity of spiritualism that I experienced in my heavenly home while I observed the slow selfless pace of life in nainital. I watched the birds chirp, I heard the music of those long lost moans of cool flowing waters in the hills, I colored my vision with the quiet uniform integrity that the green hills breathed into me, I learned to be quiet so I could let all those elements of nature speak-….elements like the falling winter snow, elements like the ripples in the water surfaces speaking of the destruction in its sincere serenity by a dove’s feather . I felt like I was part of nature. I felt more human than I could ever have felt. So real and sublime simply because I had the time and fortune to be blessed with a hilly habitat. I realized something that millions of privileged ones never get to realize. I realized the significance of calmness, the significance of serenity…-the mother of spirituality. People in this town seem familiar to me whether I know them or not. There lingers a kind of mental compatibility between us. There is something in those fair, faithless, unpredictable features that can make me trust them at any instance. I mean to say to them “ I don’t know you, but I think we can get to know each other better”, they say “for as long as time might permit”- they don’t need to say, I know that’s what they mean. In the city I have never experienced the excommunicated warmth of my people. True Warmth is impossible to express in words. It flows in the liquid eyes that meet the other’s after long times of separation. My grandfather once told me, that the true one shall never tell you that you are wonderful, he/she shall never disclose his extreme faithfulness to wards you. He’s too deep to see through. Time will speak for his heart. But the cunning ones will applaud you at your every step for an act that was your brashness rather than your courage. He will tell you that he shall slay himself at your feet. He/she will appear at every important event in your life just to show that they care. But when the time comes for the true test they will disappear and you’ll wonder where they went. Such is the demarcated line between cleverness and cunningness that begs to be defined and followed. It wants to proclaim its useful presence that everyone feels easy to ignore. In my town I was a child, I thought that innocence is appreciated, I thought I would be loved and encouraged if I were simple and harmless, I believed nobody would hurt me if I had no evil intentions, I kept my heart warm and my mind clear. But when I went to the cities, circumstances that changed surreptitiously with the weather seemed to thrash my long appreciated beliefs. I was suspended between my darkest fears and deepest hopes. My childishness and harmlessness was mistaken and propaganded as foolishness. Suddenly, a vast unseen world of egotism, vanity, and desire seemed to overwhelm my emotions. I began to doubt my clarity for fantasy. I thought for a while whether I was the real fool when the rest of the world seemed to be painted in completely different hues. Where I tried to make friends with my sincerity there people suspected me to be strange. People were so scared of believing anyone else. They were so insecure, so scared of believing in beauty that really already existed. There was great ego that spat out the fear of being cheated and being made a fool of. Their fear distanced me from them. There was just so much fear around in every hue….. Like an epidemic. For once in my life I realized….. Desire is what makes this world begin its global trot… But it’s the fear of annihilation and change that drives it and burns it beyond its variable limits. It’s true. I pretended to be a friend to everyone, when I didn’t really make any real friends. But how long can you hold yourself responsible if everyone lives in such desperation, fear and the tinkling desire for materialism. I was wrong; I was really never the fool in the first place. I was the fearless one who didn’t fear being made a fool of, who didn’t fear failure, the one who wasn’t afraid of being called a fool for believing in others. My grandfather’s words rang in my ears. If I wanted to live in fear, I didn’t deserve to be a creature as divine, intelligent and mighty as a human. I would rather be a sheep who lives in awe of the wolf. Or else I didn’t deserve to be human. Humanity seemed to be for the first time a synonym of divine faith in my life. For is it not true... confidence is a plant sprouting from the unimaginable fields of the faith we have in the almighty. When we dwell and rebel in desire, we learn to fear the reverse of our desires. If we desire light, we shall fear the dark. If we have loyalty, we shall fear impunity. If we have social standing, we shall fear downfall. If we have wealth, we shall fear poverty. If we have beauty, we shall fear the old age. Fear is a never changing constant in every achievement. Every achievement stemming from comparative analysis. When we compare one thing to the other. We divide it unnecessarily between what we want and what we do not want. Isn’t it strange, how we create our own lands and our own worlds… our own deserts and our own oasis... Although we all in reality live in the same world. The power to distinguish and compare could be so wholly deceptive is quiet unimaginable. To realize the truth… this is what is driving this world mad I sat in the balcony of my city home and gazed at the huge buildings built by privileged money-makers. At home in nainital, I knew everyone in my locality before I settled there, here, even after three months nobody knew anybody. The whether was hot yet people seemed to enjoy going to the designer stores in the afternoon but nobody would visit the other’s house to say “hello”. Once, the cooking gas in the kitchen had expired. My mother enquired the neighbor in front of our small apartment with a huge building of two kitchens. They said they had no extra supply. In the overcrowded city full of much richer people than in the town nobody offered a helping hand and we went to bed without food on the table. That night I lay awake with hunger and I missed the place where I truly belonged. I missed the familiarity of my schizophrenic neighbor who earned a minimal salary and yet offered my father a helping hand while he was washing his car. I realized that all the rich city people had acquired so much, built huge castles of concrete, they had at least three cars to drive-but for what? Especially when there is inexonarable fear of losing even a speck of dirt of one’s own land. I realized that the world today is not dominated by genius, humanity, selfishness, hatred, shamelessness, or even greed. It’s dominated by fear. And a victim of this vast spread fear is the last thing that I desire to become. I realized that humans are living the ‘fast-life’-yet, like cattle, and I want to be the human, never the inhuman. I only realized that it was fate that had made a few introspective and the rest retrospective. I was truly gifted and blessed to have a serene childhood in which I was kept far away from all the money, the cars, the buildings and the designer clothes. I wish secretly though I know it shall never be a reality. that everyone should have a childhood in the hills and a man of great learning and integrity like my grandfather. I thank god that we were never really that rich and privileged than that which was needed when I was a child, that we never had the ability to spend more than what was needed. Whatever changes in the forth coming future is yet to be experienced, seen and learned from. For the future is an untold reality. I guess that’s why it’s always the higher order that decides the good and the bad in every being. But no ... I do not define the good and the bad. I’d rather define the person rather than categories him in the general. I’d rather spent my life defining myself as one, whole and complete. The epitome of a person who never shifted an inch in either direction from what was defined as the mark of neutrality. For I have forgotten how to define. Crucified my intention to define. Suffocated my need to define. Burned away my desire to define and killed my fear to always define… The good and the bad… the big and the small… the weak and the mighty… the tall and the short… the young and the old… the sharp and the numb…. The temporary and the permanent…the broad and the narrow… the courageous and the fearful…….. For I have forgotten the definition or even the need to define what I see….. For what I see… Is complete.. It does not deserve to be defined...it is.. What is beyond any moral definition... and I am the indefinable.. in every respect.